"Shut up. I'm not projecting."

Everybody argues.

Some do it out of love, others do it to be right.  Me, I argue cuz I want to be a character on Gilmore Girls.

Don't judge.

Fights on Gilmore Girls seem like they'd be so much fun with all those words, the quick banter, the obscure pop culture references...  It turns talking to people into a sporting event, as if suddenly we're tennis balls at Wimbledon bouncing back and forth and back and forth until one references something from the beginning of the conversation that puts a nice little button on the scene right before we head into commercials.  Is that too much to ask?!

The problem with this dream of mine is so few people are willing to play the Amy Sherman Palladino rules of Gilmore conduct.  And the latest, greatest offenders to that roster of poor sports come to us directly from the good people at Oprah Winfrey Network.  That's right, I'm blaming OWN!

For the record, I'm not blaming OWN.  I don't want to make enemies with her highness, and I absolutely watch Iyanla Fix My Life more than any white dude.  Not to mention that one of the key factors to my belief that our society is on the brink of a spiritual awakening is the fact that cable television has OWN as a viewing possibility!  It inspires people to turn inward and raise this world to a whole new plane of living, and in that lies the problem!

You see, people are tuning into OWN, they're learning, they're practicing what they've learned, and then they're bringing it into my previously sportsmanlike conversations.  Some of their more popular enlightened phrases include such nuggets "Just do you boo," "light and love," and my personal favorite, "You're projecting."

So now instead of being able to utilize my Gilmore techniques of wit, sarcasm, and irony, I'm feeling pressure to actually say what I feel.  And that's just not as fun.

Let's take an example.  Say you're a young, handsome guy, currently making a living as a musical theatre performer, and you've just finished a long rehearsal.  So now you've got your blinders on, driving home, thinking about your bed, when suddenly you realize you forgot to pay your credit card bill.  And now you're on the freeway, stressing out over late fees, credit reports, and why there is still traffic in Los Angeles after 11 PM!

Cut to, you get home a complete frazzled mess, and the first thing you see as you walk through the door is someone on their hands and knees scrubbing a brand new stain out of your carpet.

Now, in my fantasy Gilmore world, I would walk into said situation and sneer something like, "Look, Mrs. Meers, I said no more soy sauce!" which, as everyone knows, is a tip of the hat to the Thoroughly Modern Millie.

But, of course, that isn't very enlightened.  After armed with some terminology from Deepak Chopra, what I'm supposed to do is come through the door and say, "You know, I would really like to be angry right now, but I'm going to fight that urge, because I know it's just me projecting the frustration I have with myself, and instead I will recognize you in your desire to make this place a clean habitat for all who dwell here."

See, not fun.

So here's my point, can we please have the spiritual enlightenment without having to audibly take people through it?  Nothing shuts down a conversation faster than a diagnosis.  I mean, what's the last great conversation you heard that began with, "You have cancer."

Which reminds me, finding spiritual truths does not give you permission to use them as ammunition.  Say I throw a little jab at you to get something going one afternoon, and all you give in return is, "You're projecting."

Now how am I supposed to come up with a snarky response to that!?  I can't!  In fact, that phrase will probably induce big time, projectile projecting regardless of whether or not it was there to begin with!!  Why would you do that!?!

OK, now I'm projecting.  I'm sorry; I'm not angry at you.  I promise.

I also promise that I am honest in my life.  I share my feelings when appropriate, and maybe even a few times when it's not.  So can I please just be a Gilmore Girl every now and then?  Otherwise, I'll have to buy an iPhone and download this app that allows you reread random Gilmore Girls dialogue.

And that's just going too far.

Tony Night: the Holy of Holies

Let me take you back to a time before WiFi, before Amazon, before YouTube, before pretty much every saving grace that currently satisfies the needs of theatre nerds everywhere...

It was 1994.

It was the year I discovered the conduit through which I could travel beyond my small town realities and bask in the light of my Broadway musical dreams...

It was the Tony Awards.

Now I had no idea what the Tony Awards were, but I casually found it, tuned in and ended up nearly wetting myself.  There, on my downstairs television, was actual live footage of that year's Best Musical nominee Beauty and the Beast.  I was floored.  Up until that point, the Broadway production of Beauty and the Beast was something that only existed on the Original Cast Album that my parents bought for me at the Disney Store two hours away.

You can understand my frustration, then, when that evening the Best Musical award went to Stephen Sondheim's Passion, a show I was highly unimpressed with because of the two nudey-patooties they showed singing in a bed.  As far as my pre pubescent self was concerned, they were using sex to buy a Tony Award, and I wasn't falling for it!  (Cut to a decade later when I wrote an entire college paper at BYU dedicated to loving that show, but I digress...)

The only other things I remember from that first Tonys viewing were a redhead from the revival of Damn Yankees belting out "Shoeless Joe from Hannibal MO," and the look on my father's face when I correctly predicted that Diana Rigg would win for portraying the title role in Medea.  Said the young JSP: "Come on Dad.  I mean, it's Medea."

Thus began the creation of my most important Sunday of the year besides Easter.  And even then, Tony Night is basically a religious experience, so I never felt bad.

Every year I instructed my family not to interrupt me during the Tonys because I had to record it on the VCR with controller in hand to avoid commercial breaks.  This was essential to the Tony viewing process since I'd be re-watching the broadcast countless times before the following year.

This continued even when I was serving as an LDS missionary.  My mom stepped in and vicariously watched the show for me in 2001 and 2002 since I was not able to watch them myself.  She not only recorded them, but took copious notes on their proceedings and sent them to me in far away west Texas.

And now today I still watch the Tony Awards.  I admit it's a little different, and that's ok.  I have opinions now.  I've worked with some of the people nominated or performing, and I get more excited for them than I do for myself.  In general, I don't care nearly as much about awards anymore, but I do love celebrating Theatre.  Tony Night continues to be one of the only opportunities America gets to view one of the great traditions that we have as a nation: Musical Theatre... also known as the best two words in the English language. (That's right Julian Marsh, I'm talking to you.)

So from a true theatre nerd to all those out there that might feel the same, Happy Tony Night!  

May you forever keep it holy.  :)

Make or Break a Habit Week

You know those moments in life when you wake up and think, "Well, now what?"

That was me seven days ago.  It was me six days ago.  In fact, I'm still kinda asking the question.  But the reason I decided to dedicate Things I'm Gonna Do This Week to making good habits and breaking bad ones was because of that of question.  I was tired of imagining my world spinning out of control without any scientific justification.  So in my desire to figure out what's next for me, I concentrated on the little stuff, and then paid attention to what bubbled up.  I also forced myself to journal about it.

(deep breath)

Here's what happened:

I'm slightly regretting the choice of blogging that I feel my world is spinning out of control.  With a statement like that, you run the risk of everyone that loves you feeling like you don't know they love you.  I also don't want this week to look like a fishing trip designed to catch a six-pound Sympathy Card.  But enough of my insecurities…

I'm journaling this week because I have long-term goals and not many short-term ones.  I don't know what's next.  Nothing new there, I guess…  Show business is a constant trust fall exercise.  This is different, though.  I'm very busy, but feel like I'm at a stand still, and I think that's what's making the Earth seem like it's turning so fast.

Ugh.  Even as I write that, I can hear my head giving itself advise that doesn't make me feel any better.  That's probably how I ended up on the couch this morning watching crime shows on TNT.  Knowing you should do something and not feeling any motivation to do it is a perfect recipe for cable surfing.

OK, so short term goals.  Wash my car, get a haircut, go to the bank, grocery shop, walk the dog, do laundry, wash dishes, exercise…

A rerun of the Oprah show is on.  "When people show you who they are, believe them."  Maya Angelou.  Oh wow.  I almost wrote Maya Rudolph.  HAHA!  Not the same person.

____________________________________________

It's Wednesday, and I accomplished all my goals yesterday!  I'm going to allow myself to celebrate it for a few minutes, and then move on.  I don't want the efficiency of my life to be dependent upon a checklist.  

I took about ten minutes to meditate and pray last night.  (Can't believe I'm posting this kind of stuff… Breathe, Jeff.  It's just a few days.)  I've started implementing a "technique" to my prayers that has seemed to make them mean more to me.  When I'm asking for blessings or giving gratitude, I picture what I'm saying and surround it with light.  It makes Prayer feel more powerful.  It's incorporating the non-physical: my imagination, my faith, my hope.  Definitely a new habit I want to keep. 

Other habits I'm trying out today: a new workout routine.  Bad habit I'm trying to leave behind: not eating because I don't want to spend money.

____________________________________________

Thursday = My legs are sore!

More importantly, though, I've found not only a new habit I want to make, but a full on REVOLUTION I want to begin!  I'm single handedly going to revive Audience Etiquette.  From here on out I vow to be the best audience member in the world, thereby setting an example that hopefully others will follow.  It consists of three very important pledges:

#1- I will enter the theatre 100% willing to go on the journey that has been prepared for me to take.  

#2- I will applaud after every musical number because I am NOT watching television in my pajama bottoms.

#3- If I stay after the production to say hello to the actors, I will initiate conversation with them, realizing that they have been working for the past 2+ hours and shouldn't be expected to keep entertaining me.

Sounds simple, right?  Apparently it's not!  I was in an audience tonight, and I'm positive we are currently experiencing a very scary dip in audience etiquette.  Our attention spans are shot, we arrive to the theatre already grumpy and judgmental, and there's this pervasive attitude (particularly among theatre performers) that actors should be more excited to see us after a show than the other way around.  Not true!  Give them a compliment, people!  It will not kill you, I promise.  In fact, the pious restraint of your self-righteousness could possibly be a character building exercise.

In other news, I need to stop "scripting scenes" with people before they happen.  Talk about character building…

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I remember talking to a good friend of mine a couple years ago and asking her if she thought it's possible to be taken advantage of if you know that you are.  My assertion was it isn't possible because your awareness allows for your choice.  It's only when choice is taken away that you become a victim of such behavior. 

Now that I think back on it, though, I'm reminded of the famous proverb, "Fool me once, shame on you.  Fool me twice, shame on me."  Perhaps it isn't so beneficial to spend time justifying someone else's actions, as it is to discern what kind of person you are for going along with them in the first place.

So…it's Friday, and I'm angry, and I don't like it. 

But the good news is I'm just angry at myself.  That means I can just tell myself to "go to hell," which then makes myself come back with, "No! I don't want to cuz then I'll have to be there with YOU!"  And then I retort back, "Then why don't you just stop being mad at me!"  And then I say, "Good idea. I'm sorry, Jeff."  And then I say, "No, I'm the one who's sorry, Jeff."  And then we kiss and make up.

Anyway, bad habit: Being too hard on myself.

Good habit: Stretching.  My hamstrings are way too tight.  Maybe I can meditate tonight in a wide second and kill two birds with one stone.  Poor birds…

____________________________________________

I hold my breath.

It's always been a downfall of mine.  Artistically, physically, socially… sometimes I just forget to breathe.  I've never passed out.  It never goes that far, but it does keep me from being at my best.  Like tonight, I had to sing into a sound system that was kind of wretched, so I started holding my breath, not knowing how loud I should be.  The good Lord gave you lungs, dang it, use them!!

Today's Saturday, and I'm taking a look at my world.  It feels like the old one.  Not biblically, of course, more like the old one from two weeks ago.  Less spinning, familiar...  That worries me.  It should feel like a new one, shouldn't it?

Either way, I guess I'm grateful for a reprieve.

____________________________________________

I relapsed.  

I returned to my bad habit from Thursday.  BOO!  I was in the middle of a conversation and had a thought to share, but was immediately interrupted by my own brain "scripting" what the other person might say in response, and so on and so on until finally the person with whom I was having a conversation asked what all the silence was about.  ugh–

In better news, though, I was reminded of something very important tonight.  Conversations aren't about right or wrong.  Relationships aren't about right or wrong.  Life really isn't about right or wrong. 

I mean, does anybody really ever get into a situation and think, "You know, I want to make the wrong decision here."  Even if they do, it's because they think for whatever reason that the "wrong" decision is more "right" than the "right" one.  So why do we put so much stock in that way of thinking?

Say you convince someone that they're wrong.  So what?  What do you get out of it?  The possibility of the other person feeling bad?  The knowledge that you're right?  Do these things actually make life more fulfilling?

Conversations are about sharing.  Relationships are about sharing.  Life is about sharing!   And regardless of how any of those things turn out, isn't it amazing to know you participated?  The joy is found in the selflessness of your participation.  It's so much more satisfying than walking away thinking, "At least I was right." 

____________________________________________

So to review, here's a summary of the good and bad habits I discovered this week:

Bad Habits

• Not Eating
• Scripting Life
• Being too Hard on Myself
• Holding My Breath
• Relapsing on Any of the Above

Good Habits:

• Short Term Goals
• Prayer & Meditation
• Exercise
• Audience Ettiquette
• Stretching
• Sharing

I'm happy with this list.  It looks like a good start for me.  There's power to be found here, and that's exactly what I need.  

Here's to "Make or Break a Habit Week."  May it continue for the next 28 days and beyond.  That way, it won't just be a list, it will be a life.

Funny Females- Class of 2012

Who are your favorites?

There are few things I enjoy as much as funny females.  Maybe it's because as a teenager, every Saturday night was ruled by the women of Saturday Night Live.  Molly Shannon, Cheri Oteri, Ana Gesteyer, Tina Fey: those were the comedy all stars of my high school experience.

Unfortunately it's taken quite awhile for the rest of the nation to catch up to "the wisdom of my adolescence," but thanks to the mega hit film Bridesmaids last year, I think the ridiculous question of whether or not women can be funny has finally been laid to rest alongside the earth being flat and sandals with socks.

So in honor of all the funny females who continually make me laugh, I want to give a shout out to a few of the new ones who are currently enjoying a great year in comedy.  They are names that you may not know, but you definitely should, and ultimately will.

Rebel Wilson

Though making a splash with only two scenes in last year's Bridesmaids and following that up with six (you counted right, six!) films in 2012, Rebel Wilson is still mainly known by American audiences as "the funny, fat British girl."  

This is due, in part, to the fact that movie studios continue to make her the star of every movie trailer in which she appears (thanks to her ability to get a laugh out of every line she has) but refuse to show her name in the process.

So here it is.  REBEL WILSON!  That's her name, and she's actually Australian.  Take a look at how she single handedly makes the upcoming film Pitch Perfect, look like something far more entertaining than its premise lets on. 

Emily Mortimer

Emily Mortimer isn't new to comedy.  Her memorable turns on 30 Rock and in films like My Idiot Brother have demonstrated her abilities as an actress with a dry wit.

But her work on the new HBO series The Newsroom has brought her talent to a whole new level.  Who knew this swan-like British actress could be so warm, lovable, and funny?  Maybe her husband...?

In The Newsroom, not only does Aaron Sorkin's perpetually dense dialogue pour out of her mouth with ease, but it does so without making her seem elitist.  And in a show like The Newsroom that's meant to be an idealistic view of the news elite, that's no small accomplishment.

Forever in a balancing act of Peabody awards, fervent optimism, and complete lack of office emailing skills, her Mackenzie proves to be one of the most vibrant characters on the show.    

Stacey Oristano

Set in and around a dance studio in the small fictional town of Paradise, ABC Family's newest show Bunheads comes from creator Amy Sherman Palladino (Gilmore Girls), and carries with it the fast paced dialogue that has become her hallmark, packed with heart and a whole lot of snark.  But it took me two complete viewings of the first episode before I realized where I had previously seen the town misfit Truly. 

I used to enjoy Stacey Oristano on the brilliant show Friday Night Lights in which she played a small town Texas housewife and pole dancer with a heart of... definitely not gold... aluminum?

Anyway.  On Bunheads, she's rid of the trailer park, and has in its place, a clothing store by the name of Sparkles.  Just as quirky as it sounds, her performance is filled with self doubt that often serves as a scene stealing contrast to the sharp intelligence of the other characters.

See how she manages to finagle her way into the birthday plans of her nemesis Michelle (Sutton Foster) in a recent episode.

So here's a question:  Who are YOUR favorite funny females right now?  Amy Poehler?  Zooey Deschanel?  Lena Dunham?  Leave a comment and share your favorites!

To see the videos of these funny females, make sure to visit the blog at http://www.jeffreyscottparsons.com/2012/08/funny-females-class-of-2012.html