Friday, April 13, 2012

5 Things That Make Me A White Guy

It's a question as old as Beauty and the Beast: "Why am I white?"

Though I'm 89.5% certain that my parents are responsible for my skin color, I've recently discovered through highly sophisticated analysis that there are a number of far more entertaining variables contributing to my "Caucasianity." They've led me to wonder whether or not I truly understand why I am the way I am.  Do I live the life of a cracker because of my "genes?" Or because of my "jeans?"

Here are 5 Arguments for the latter:


Cold Cereal may be the breakfast of champions, but it's also the breakfast of "me." I've eaten it almost every day of my life, mostly in the mornings and without allegiance to a particular brand. Mini Wheats, Froot Loops, Golden Grahams, Raisin Bran, Apple Jacks, Life, you name it, I've had it!

But did you know that despite the great variety of cereals out there, they all have something in common? Take a look at the nutritional information on any box of cereal and you'll most likely learn that it contains 25% of your daily-recommended intake of Riboflavin. Yep. Riboflavin.

So what does this mysterious vitamin do? Scientists say it's a B-Vitamin used in cellular processing, but I believe it's responsible for making children's urine smell like Cheerios. That, and I think it makes people white.

It only makes sense! Why else would Latinos traditionally eat "huevos rancheros" instead of Lucky Charms? To prevent whiteness, of course!! General Mills even puts a little Irish man on the box to show what you'll turn into if you eat enough dehydrated mini marshmallows.

My point is that as a life long breakfast consumer, I'm pretty sure I've stored up enough Riboflavin to keep me white for the rest of my life. And I believe the cold cereal industry is partially to blame.

What came first, the chicken or the egg? The truth is, I don't really care. What I do want to know, however, is what came first, Halloween or white people?

Halloween was obviously either invented for or by white people so that we could have one day a year to be more colorful than we really are. Of course, still being white, we weren't that creative and decided to dress up like Dracula, someone who is actually WHITER than white people.

Still, there are times when us white folk recognize Halloween as the great opportunity it is for our creed. In the 3rd grade, for example, I decided to take full ownership of it and expressed my whiteness through an impressive venture into the world of color. I dressed up like M.C. Hammer.


White people like to be clean because dirt is easier to spot on us. Wait a minute...that's not true with cars, so why would it be true with people? And I guess you only see whites on Hoarders...

Never mind. What I'm trying to say is hand sanitizer seems like something that makes a white person whiter. For example, people who have a little color on their hands tend to put lotion on them, not disinfecting alcohol that dries out their skin and makes it look white.

Which leads me to...


Did you know there are almost 800 million people in the world that don't have access to clean drinking water? While few, if any, of those people live in the USA, my research shows that the average white American is still dehydrated. I believe this voluntary dehydration, though largely due to the Coca Cola Company, is also a condition and symptom of whiteness.

But there is hope! Coca Cola reported a 1% decline in sales in 2011, meaning they only made $9.27 billion last year. Facts like this help me believe that the day will come when carbonation-based dehydration will no longer play a role in skin color.


We've all been to them: Chili's, Applebee's, TGI Fridays, Red Robin, Hard Rock Cafe, Planet Hollywood, all those restaurants with loads of stuff hanging on the walls. And if you haven't been to them, well... you might just be a different color than me.

Which is fine! You're probably healthier for it. I used to love Chili's because it always made me feel so eclectic.  I'd order a Quesadilla Explosion Salad for dinner and a Molten Chocolate Cake for dessert. All in all, it totaled out to 2,320 calories, 132 grams of fat, and 2900 mg of sodium. Did I mention I ordered the salad?

So I guess when I was feeling "eclectic," I was actually feeling heart disease. But I didn't think about that at the time. All I knew was growing up I didn't have a restaurant close by with stuff all over the walls, and by the time I was 23 years old, I had one 15 minutes away. It was the American Dream! Or at least the white, middle class version of it.

In conclusion, I think we can all agree that based on these five examples I have just presented, absolutely nothing has been proven. I know race can't be cured. It's not a condition, nor a choice.  (Unless we're talking about sunburns, in which case, you got to apply the SPF, people!)

But race certainly isn't a trap either. While I'm quite happy being a honky, I know that what I choose to do as one is up to me regardless of any cultural or social diagnosis. For whatever reason, I am a white guy. But I'm also more than that. I'm Jeffrey Scott Parsons!

Wow, my name sounds really white...

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